Been absent as I was away for a week in my favourite place ever minus email, phone, Internet. Anything and everything actually.
It was the annual writing week in the Lakes with the girls, Nancy, Emmeline and Sybil.
Sybil didn't take me climbing over 5 mountains for a change as she was laid up with a cold - and so I tucked into leftovers instead.
I'm now a bit heavier and laid up with a cold.
Sniff. Sniff. Sniffle.
In the meantime here is a picture taken from the window midway up the staircase of our secret Cumbrian hideout.
Adventures were had, food was eaten, less wine than usual was drunk, and stories were written. I'm now editing my novel which is a fine feeling to have.
Drama came in the form of:
A daylight robbery
An 84 year-old retired man came to our rescue down a dark, wet, scary road.
A farmer got us (me) very drunk (were you other ladies very drunk?)
We ate curry with retired Oxford man and wife
The girls ate cheese, I did not.
The steak was good.
We collected sticks for the fire.
There were flies in my bed, mice in the walls, and a big fat moon looking down over us.
Last night as Jack was sitting at the kitchen table I thought I'd enlighten him with the reason for my current lack of spark:
'As I lay in bed this morning,' I began. 'It occurred to me why I'm so tired.'
'Why?'
'Well since I finished full time work which was... hmm about mid-September... I have written 2/3rds of my novel. In that time ... which is what... about 8 weeks (I just counted) I've written over 50,000 words and I've almost finished the novel! Two weeks, I reckon, til I finish the first draft....And I've been working part-time, and written an outline for a comedy, and working on a sample storyline for....'
He rolled his eyes at me.
I am truly excited by this prospect, given when I was working I wrote 30,000 words in about what....ten months... and barely remember what they say.
'It'll probably take me about 3 months to redraft and rewrite, but still, I'm very excited.'
He groaned.
'Look,' I said. 'I don't have a boss to talk to about this, I don't have a boyfriend, I just have you --- and the girls --- and I need to talk to someone about it, as well as them.'
'And you don't want to turn out like Nana.'
'What does she do? Oh yeah.' I looked at the cage on the worktop where Hannah lives.
'Nana talks to the hamster.'
'Now that would be mad.'
'Promise me,' said Jack. 'That if you ever do get a boyfriend you'll be more interesting than this, because if you have conversations like this with a boyfriend, he will get up and leave.'
The other day I had the pleasure of minding my 7 year-old nephew because it was a teacher training day (why did this not happen during the standard holidays?).
My nephew "A" came up with some real gems that made me think: especially as he doesn't call me Maria, he calls me My-rear.
Like: 'Aunty My-rear, your food is better than my mums.'
Excellent. One point to me.
And:
'Aunty My-rear, where is your husband?' A was getting ready for bed and pointed around the room as though to conjure my hitherto unseen husband from somewhere.
'I haven't got one.'
"A" bent over and laughed like a Cbeebies character: 'But you have ---- eh.' He pointed towards Jack. ---- you have 'im. So you are married.'
'I've never been married.'
"A" looked very confused: 'But My-rear how could you have him?' "A" began to tot up the process on his fingers as though counting stages. 'So you have a baby and then you get married?'
'Not exactly. Well people will tell you that's what happens but in truth about half of the population don't get married and then have a baby. Like your mum, she only got married to your dad last summer. And....'
Hm.... what would my sister think of what followed, you know with her being so Catholic an' all....
'Well marriage is an institution that was imposed many years ago,' I say nodding my head for effect. 'This was because back then women didn't have equal rights. And women needing to get married also had something to do with property, and how women needed marriage because they couldn't work and provide for their children.... but it's a bit different now because women can provide for their children without being married.'
'So you've never been married Aunty My-rear ?'
'Nope.'
'But you were actually married in London.'
'No I wasn't.'
"A" found this quite hilarious. 'You were Aunty My-rear.'
Maybe he saw a man hanging around me and I didn't. Perhaps I just looked married or something because London aged me.
'Nope I wasn't.'
'Yes you were married in London.'
'She wasn't.' said Jack to a truculent "A". 'It's a difficult one to explain.'
*
The next day I was applying my make-up in the mirror: foundation, mascara, lipgloss... a rub of rouge --- and apparently also Polyfiller.
'Aunty My-rear,' "A" said as I whacked on more blusher under his watchful eye. 'You need a lot of repairing.'
*
Later, fully repaired, we visited a history museum. I tried to explain to "A" Darwin's theory of evolution and how, in some way, he evolved from a dinosaur.
'No I didn't,' he said, taking in an enormous dinosaur bone, and looking very annoyed with me.
'You did, and birds are quite like dinosaurs in that they have a similar bone structure, so you're also related to a bird. And you're also sort of like a fish.'
'Shhh,' said my sister. 'You can't tell him that.'
'What?'
'Well he can't go into school saying that can he....'
'I'm confused.'
'We're all supposed to have come from God aren't we -- so A can't go into school saying he came from a dinosaur.'
Sister Josephine began tut-tut-tutting and walking off.
I drooled over a glass case enraptured by my favourite section in the museum: the wonderful world of jewel beetles and dung beetles.
'Come here,' I called to Jack. 'These beetles are incredible, so beautiful, look at the colours. And the different sizes.'
'She's always like this about beetles,' said Jack. 'Don't respond to her. Run.'
'And look, here's a stick insect....'
Big Sister Runs From Little Sister in Museum Shocker
